Children Online

A father of a 13-year-old boy contacted me recently frantic for advice.  His son, while on a sleepover at a friend’s house, had sent a sexually inappropriate text to another friend as a joke.  The girl who received the text promptly copied the text onto her Facebook wall for all of her 326 friends to see.   She asked her friends to comment.  Her Facebook wall was soon filled with mean and abusive comments directed toward the boy.

The father’s initial question was simple to answer:  “Can I delete the post without the girl’s permission. “  The simple answer is No.  Only Facebook or the owner (or a hacker with the password) can in fact make changes to a Facebook account.  But, in reality, the father’s problem was very complex and did not have a simple solution.

Once any type of electronic communication whether text, email, Facebook chat, or instant message is sent, it no longer belongs to the sender.  The person who received the communication can now forward the message, send it others, transfer the message somewhere else, cut and paste the message or delete the message.  There are no second chances for the sender.  The boy in this case, made a terrible (but not developmentally unusual) judgment call to send a sexually inappropriate text to a girl.  I imagine we all knew 13-year-old-boys in our past who were focused on sex and pulled pranks that were inappropriate.  In this case his mistake is posted on a Facebook wall.

Both the boy and the girl made very poor decisions.  The boy should not have sent the text and the girl should not have posted that text to her wall and asked her “friends” to comment.  But they are 13 and impulsive and insecure and don’t really think about consequences or other’s feelings when reacting online or through texting.    The dad in this case has a lot of healing and work to do with his humiliated and scared son.  He has taken away his son’s ability to text and permission to use Facebook.   The two kids have learned a very hard lesson.

There is currently a push in congress to move the age of consent for online accounts down to age 12 from age 13.  That, in my opinion, is another example of a very bad decision and adults made this one.  They should know better.

The Holidays are here again and with it the never-ending commercials and Christmas sales.   Along with the spirit of the season, the feeling of spending money is in the air.    And with the continual march of new electronic gadgets, spending money can take on a whole new meaning.  Headlining my own son’s Christmas list is an iPad or iTouch, a new Wii game and a monthly membership to Club Penguin.  Total cost close to $500.    Compared to the iPad or iTouch, a new Wii game is a bargain at $69.99.   But, he won’t be getting any of them.  Instead he will be getting the Lego games, books and Beyblade toys that are lower on his list.  Of Course, those toys are not electronic and do not require a computer or gaming device.  They just require time and friends.

I asked a group of 5^th graders recently for the top item on their Holiday list.  By far the number one item was the video game “Call of Duty, Black Ops”.  Rated M.    The violent war game is available on most gaming devices.  When I asked the kids what an “M” rating meant, the kids quessed, age 13.   Good Guess, I responded.  But it is recommended for teens 17 and older.  A boy in the back of the room shouted out quickly, “don’t tell our parents”

Like me, parents will be wrestling this season with what to buy for their children.   We will be guided by advertisements, financial restraints and our kid’s relentless pleas.  This year I will also be guided by wanting my 9 year old to stay young for as long as possible.  Which means for him, no fun or cool games.  Undoubtedly he will be a bit disappointed not to be opening up a new game or gaming device.  But in the excitement of our extended family, warmth, beauty, giving to others and celebration, I hope the disappointment takes a back seat.

“Tis the Season.

On a rare evening out with a friend at a local restaurant, we were led to a table next to a family with three kids.    We looked at each and laughed.  Our quiet night out without our own children seemed to be slipping away as we imagined the restlessness and energy of the three young children sitting next to us.   We were wrong.  As soon as the family had ordered their meals, the table was dead silent.  All three kids had their heads down in gaming devices or phones, their fingers moving at warp speeds. The parents did talk occasionally, but they mostly spent the wait for food checking their own phones.

I completely understand the urge to pacify squirming, restless children in public places.  I remember endless plane rides with an energetic baby boy who would not stop moving or fussing. Armed with only cheerios, a few toys and books, I usually lost the battle to keep him quiet.  I would have loved an electronic gadget to distract him.   I felt sad for this family, however.  An opportunity for family time seemed lost in individual pursuits on electronics.   I remember dinners out in childhood with my own family.  In a time before hand held gadgets existed, my three siblings and I squirmed, told jokes, teased each other, laughed, fussed and tried to sit still waiting anxiously for food.  I imagine at times we drove the other customers near us a bit crazy, but we loved those nights out.

When the first headphones were seen in public as people jogged and listened to their radios or portable CD players in the 80’s, my father pronounced he was philosophically opposed to the headphones and the isolation it caused.  We laughed at him, thinking he was being ridiculous.  He just said, “You’ll see”.   Of course he had no idea that thirty years later we would have smart phones, gaming devices and IPods.  But as I watched this family sit in isolation my dad’s once ridiculous comment seemed prophetic.

I knew it was true. I had talked to older kids who swore they knew 4th graders with Facebook accounts and our own research backed this up. Somehow, however, I never really believed it. Until this weekend.

While on my own Facebook page, my 4th grader leaned in next me and casually said, “See if you can find Ted, Mom”. Ted, it turns out is in Domingo’s class at school and has asked Domingo to friend him on Facebook. Trying not to act stunned or worse yet, like an Internet safety educator, we both found Teds account (open to anyone) with lots of pictures and an occasional statement, mostly about Aaron Rodgers or farting. Domingo laughed at the pictures and comments and looked at me with his arms crossed and a sneer planted on his face… “See, Mom it isn’t that bad.”

But it is that bad. Domingo and Ted are too young to understand the implications of Ted’s Facebook page wide open for anyone to see with pictures, details of his life, inappropriate comments (albeit PG 13) and a video of his Pokémon toy collection. Ted’s replies to the mean comments about his video brought to mind the urgent pleadings of an insecure, socially awkward boy struggling for approval. I was sad for him. After calling Ted’s mother, much to Domingo’s complete humiliation, I tried to explain why I worried about young kids on Facebook. She thanked me politely and hung up with the final words “his account was private and none of your business.” I suppose it might be true that it was none of my business (although Ted had asked Domingo to join him on Facebook), but it certainly wasn’t private.

And that might be the biggest problem facing parents nationwide. We didn’t grow up with a Facebook page. We didn’t grow up worrying about privacy loss online. Most parents have not had online safety education or been to parent forums on the topic. There are no support groups for parents who need help to say No. Parents don’t always know the reasons to say No to Facebook or Smart Phones or other technology gadgets that may expose our young kids to risk. I hope that changes soon.

Meanwhile, I now know that 4th graders are on Facebook. As a mom, that makes me really sad. I hugged Domingo and suggested we play Wii Sports. He jumped up excited. Thank goodness for the easy distractibility of 4th graders.

My son is going to camp again this summer.  He can’t wait.   Four weeks of friends, swimming, playing, singing, adventure, climbing trees, learning new skills and taking risks.  It is also four weeks of following a tight schedule, sit down meals with his cabin mates three times a day, siesta or rest time every day and of course no electronics.  My son who begs to play the Wii every day, wants to eat meals on the floor and would rather do just about anything than have rest time, loves doing just the opposite at camp.

As a parent, I wish I could recreate camp in my home.  I wish I could keep him so busy, so happy and so excited that he forgets about television and playing video games and happily snuggles in his bunk to rest after lunch.  But that is an impossible task.  Camp has built in friends, cool older role models and lots of fun activities.  I can’t compete with that.   The best I can do in my home is keep trying to hold the line on screen time, offer alternatives such as sports, board games, playing outside, and play dates.

I argue that it is harder to be a parent today.   It is a challenge to compete with amazing technology gadgets, interactive video games and constant stimulation online.  Parents are working long hours and worried about money and the future.  Just when parents need more time with their children to help negotiate the ever-changing technology world, most parents have considerably less free time.

And so I will try to keep recreating camp in my home.  I will offer fun activities.  I will insist on sit down meals and I will limit electronics.  I will even sing camp songs if that helps.  None of this will work, of course, but at least for four weeks this summer my son will happily leave the digital world behind for the woods.

Was homework this hard when we were kids?  I don’t remember having an hour of work in 4^th grade.  My son comes home everyday with math, spelling, geography and 20 minutes of reading.  While there is a battle over math, spelling, and geography, it always gets done.  I wish that I could say the same for reading time.   There is no battle, there is a simple: NO.  Reading is not fun for my son.  He considers it a chore to be avoided at all costs.

I was not prepared for this part of parenting.  Our home is filled with bookshelves overflowing with books.  I have books from all stages of my life and I have always used books like photo albums, to take me back in time to important life events and memories.  I love books and reading.   I don’t remember a time in my life when reading didn’t give me joy or provide an escape from stress.   And so today, I am completely over my head with a boy who would rather run, climb, build, tear apart or do just about anything than read.

It wasn’t until I was watching him play the Wii that an idea formed.  He was reading out loud the words that appeared on the screen during his Pokémon game.  A stretch, I admit, but he was reading.   Maybe, I thought, he would also read Pokémon cards or books.  So we got out all of his Pokémon and Lego manuals, pamphlets and cards and for 20 minutes he read.  We started blocking out quiet time in our house for reading.  I sat on the couch reading a novel and he lay sprawled on the floor next to me reading his Lego brochures and pamphlets.

From the pamphlets he moved on to chapter books and graphic novels about Pokémon.  He discovered the “Bone” series in the Graphic Novel section of the library and he was suddenly hooked into a book.  While I secretly wish he would show interest in Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or some of the books that I loved as a child, I have given in and am thrilled that for 20 minutes everyday he is reading something.   Now when he begs for a new Pokémon or Lego game, I don’t roll my eyes.  I smile and ask, “how about a Lego book instead”?

One of the most important lessons my parents gave me growing up was having clear rules and consequences for my behavior.  There was never any question about our family rules and values.  Even when I didn’t agree, and it was often at age 15 and 16, I was never in doubt about how they would react to my choices.

I knew, for example, that my parents would not write a note saying I was sick when in fact, I participated in “Senior Ditch Day”.    I ditched anyway and sat in the dean’s office without a note.  Most of my friends had notes.  I knew that when I used the family car to go to a party, instead of the library, I would be breaking a major rule.  I was grounded for a month.  Clearly, their firm and non-negotiable rules didn’t always stop me from making bad choices.  But their rules provided me with a strong and unwavering moral compass that guides me today.

Many parents today admit they allow Facebook accounts for their 11 or 12 year olds because they worry their child will create one anyway behind their backs.  Parents allow smart phones for 3^rd graders because they know their children will have one eventually and they are tired of fighting the “inevitable”.   Parents also allow access to Mature rated video games at age 12 because it is impossible to stop their kids from playing the games next door or at their best friend’s house.

I completely understand.  It is hard to resist the urge to want to control our kid’s lives as much as possible.  It is so hard as a parent to say no to something and then know they might do it anyway.    But ultimately, all children will at times make bad choices and go outside of our rules.  Our children may not confide in us because they fear our consequences and clear rules.   But those clear messages, values and consequences may also provide a structure and anchor for our kids in a world that is missing those messages.  The online world today has little to no clear messages for our children and any rules in place online are easily dismissed.  One of the only clear rules, children may not consent to online accounts before age 13 (The COPPA law) has no real means of enforcement and so we have millions of underage children on social networking sites lying about their age.

Our homes and families must be consistent and our values clear.  I was furious at my parents at times for their unwavering commitment to my safety.  Today, I know that their values, clear messages and their commitment might have been the greatest gift they gave me.

Like tens of thousands of other 12 year old across the country, my nephew created a Facebook page without his parents’ permission.   He was discovered when he tried to friend his 16-year-old sister.    My nephew, like most 12 year olds, didn’t apologize, but rolled his eyes and said, “What’s the big deal anyway…everyone is on Facebook.”

Although an exaggeration, he is close to being right.   According to national statistics, 36% of 12 year olds are now on Facebook.  Our own research shows that 25% of 6^th graders admit to being on Facebook.  My sister called to get advice on what to say to her son.  I described many of the risks of Facebook, including scams, viruses, loss of privacy, friendship problems, and harassment.   But, there is no rational answer that will appease a young teen eager to be cool to his friends.   There is certainly no answer that will satisfy my nephew.

But it is ok to have rules that don’t make sense to our kids.  Kids, especially younger teens are often unable to make healthy decisions and need structure to help keep their world safe.  It is hard for kids to say to no to something that is popular, cool and fun.  And Facebook is very popular, cool and fun.  It is also a site that demands constant vigilance, quick decision-making and focus.   Even when told, my nephew won’t understand that decisions made on Facebook can affect relationships, and his future. He won’t understand the impact of the loss of privacy .  He doesn’t care.  He just wants to be doing what everyone is doing.

I imagine we all understand that.  I wanted to go to parties at 15 when my parents said no.  I didn’t understand when they said they trusted me, but not the risks that I would face at a party.  I didn’t care.  I wanted to be with my friends at the party.  But, my parents were right, there were risks that I didn’t understand.  There are risks on Facebook that are hard to see.  Parents have to weigh those risks and make smart decisions for their children.

For now, my nephew is off Facebook.  He asks everyday to join.  For now, my sister is saying No.     My nephew is angry and thinks his mom doesn’t trust him.  But as I told my sister, It’s ok for him to be mad.  It’s his job right now to be mad and to want to be doing what ever his friends are doing.   And it is our job to know when to set limits for our kids despite their anger, sadness and eye rolling.

My son, Domingo, had a play date recently with a friend from his 4^th grade class.   They ran excitedly into the house, threw their backpacks on the floor and began to play Monopoly.  I tried to pretend to clean the kitchen, but instead looked on happily, glad they weren’t asking to be online or playing video games.   My pleasure, however, was short lived.  I noticed Domingo’s friend had a cell phone by his side. Domingo asked to play with it and within seconds he was jumping up to ask me to get him an iPhone like his friend.  I smiled and said we would talk about it later.  He groaned and sat back down to play.

Later that evening I explained to Domingo why he wouldn’t be getting an iPhone or any cell phone until he was much older.  He said defiantly that his friends had cell phones for safety.  I tried to explain that safety meant different things to different families and that I felt that some things about iPhones were not safe.  My earnest attempt to explain the dangers of smart phones fell on deaf ears. He is too young to understand the dangers of texting, 24/7 Internet access and a world of applications at his fingertips.  He is too young to see the iPhone as a powerful computer that is meant to be used carefully.  He sees it as a toy with really cool games and the ability to connect with anybody anytime.

The high numbers of young children with Smart Phones continually surprises me.  By Middle School, many kids routinely carry Smart Phones, text friends and play games on the school bus, on the playground, on playdates and in the halls of their school.  Some of my friends say their child’s Middle School recommends providing cell phones for their students to allow easy access to parents after school.  While I am in favor of easy access to parents and understand the need for safety, I wonder if many schools or parents really understand the power of Smart Phones.  Smart phones have many of the same features of the home computer, but without parental supervision or software to keep kids safer.

While they are not advertised or popular, there are cell phones without the ability to text, surf the Internet or purchase applications.  Phone companies do offer the choice to turn Internet or texting access off.  It can sometimes take a lengthy phone call to your wireless service, but I think it is worth it.    While we can’t always see the risks of texting, Internet access, Facebook accounts, or cell phone applications they are very real.  My 9 year old who still loves Pokemon, being tucked in at night and sleeping with his teddy bear is certainly not ready.

“Mom, can I meet Peter and Eli in the night club on Club Penguin at 4:00?”

“You don’t have an account on Club Penguin and why on earth is there a Night club on a child’s web site?”

“Mom, Yes or No?”

“No, honey.  Lets invite them over here to play instead”

“Seriously mom.  How embarrassing.”  Said my then 7- year-old rolling his eyes.

Since when did play dates become embarrassing?  Since when did nightclubs become standard fare on web sites designed for young children? According to our research Club Penguin and WebKinz rank among the top ten most popular sites for children.  They are vibrant, alluring, and fun social networking sites for kids designed around playing a game.  Both sites are free, have parental controls and ask for a parent’s email to validate all accounts.   Both sites offer a monthly membership fee for enhanced features and added games.   Both sites also offer easy access to strangers.

Webkinz offers the capability to turn “chat” functions off completely.  Club Penguin has safe chat functions, but does not have a completely chat free environment.  Both sites are designed around playing games to earn points or fake money to buy accessories for their pet (Webkinz) or penguin (Club Penguin) Both Webkinz pets and Club Penguins are sold in stores and have online codes to put into the sites to have a real furry pet/penguin along with a “virtual one”.

My son is now 9 and I just let him have a Club Penguin account.  He is not allowed to chat even using “Safe Chat” and cannot make any “buddies” on the site.  He is allowed to meet his real life friends on the site as long as he is not chatting.

“So, what’s the point of that?”  My son asked clearly frustrated with having a mom who works in Online Safety education after I told him the rules.

The point is that I don’t want my 9 year old learning to chat online before he is fully competent at communicating in person.  I don’t want him turning to the online world to form or enhance relationships before he feels the joys and pitfalls of real life relationships.  It is hard, however, to explain all that to a boy who has grown up around computers, smart phones and Watch Instantly on Netflix.    In the meantime, I will let him play on Club Penguin without paying a membership fee or allowing chat.  I will ignore his eye rolling and offer to play Monopoly with him when he gets bored.   Looks like we’ll be playing a lot of board games!