Children Online

My son has discovered the joy of Skylanders.  Skylanders is an E rated video game that he plays on his Wii.  He loves it.  He plays alone or with a friend.  He would play all day long if I let him.  I sat down and watched him play the other day and while the game seems to have very little educational value, it is in a cartoon  format and any violence often involves the shooting of fruit or coins rather than bombs or bullets.   I can live with that.

Like many other 10-year-old boys my son  also begs me to allow him to play the “cool” games that everyone else is playing.  Games such as Call of Duty, Halo and Assassins Creed are listed on the wish list of many pre-teen boys.  It is easy to understand why.   These M rated video games are designed mostly by men for men and contain very macho themes and exciting action.  These games are first person shooter games where the user feels the control, power and excitement of leading a charge to kill hundreds of “enemies” or other people.  Women characters in these games are usually victims and typically sexualized or exploited (or both).   Although they have M ratings (17 and older) the games are heavily marketed to children on TV or through other video games.

My own pre-teen boy may wants to play M rated games with his friends, but he is nowhere near ready.  He is just beginning to understand the consequences of violence and meanness on others.  He is just learning the basics of sex and relationships.  My pre-teen boy still has stuffed animals in his room and snuggles with me at night.  He still cries during nightmares and goes to bed with a nightlight.   So, for now, I am grateful he is happy playing his E rated Skylanders  game.  I am happy that I can  hear laughter from his room as he plays the game.  And I am relieved that his winged character uses watermelons to bomb the one eyed monster.

Missing the Point

For the past 5 years we have been recommending waiting until age 15 or 16 for access to Facebook, Twitter or MySpace.  Usually kids and parents tell us we are out of our minds.  Recently, however, we got another reaction.  One parent raised her hand and volunteered that her son just got a Facebook account at age 16.  Her son had been begging for one for 3 years, but the parents waited until they felt he was ready.   Despite family arguments and times when the teen felt left out of social activities, both parents and teen survived.  The parents felt like they had dodged a bullet.

When the facts and realities of social networking today are fully explained to parents, most agree that it would be best to wait until 15 or 16 before giving their child access to Facebook .  But, with so many teens and even young children on Facebook, it has hard to say no.  With more schools nationwide using Facebook  as a communication tool, it becomes almost impossible.

Most of the risks on social networks are hard to fully grasp.  Unlike the risks of alcohol, driving, and early sexual activity, online risks are subtle and very often misunderstood.   The most popular Social Network in the country, Facebook, began as a site for college students.  The age moved to 16 and then 13 as more and more of the country signed up.  Despite current estimates that over 7 million children under the age of 13 are on the site, there have been no discernible steps taken to provide a safer and more structured experience for children.

On social networks, there is no one to monitor mean, vulgar or harassing language, There is no one to ensure someone claiming to be a 15 year-old-girl really is, in fact a 15-year-old girl.  There is very little in place to stop the many scams, advertising or trick apps that litter the sites.  There is no one to stop a young teen from posting that he hates his teacher.  There is no one to stop the 11 year old from reading a post that says she is fat. There is no one to tell the 14 year old that the picture of him carrying a beer can (whether full or empty or even his) could risk future jobs or acceptances to schools.

Facebook is a great communication tool.  It has transformed our culture.  Many technology experts, school officials and government leaders today encourage parents and schools to join Facebook to contribute to a child’s or teen’s experience at school or socially.  But they are all missing the point.  Facebook is great.  It has the potential to be a powerful tool for schools.   But, Facebook is not yet safe for children.  It is full of risk and potential opportunities to make mistakes.   It is a site where the provocative comments and pictures get the most attention.  It is a site where the more “friends” you have, the cooler you are.  It is a site where the best interest of children takes a far back seat to marketing and revenue.

Our children and our schools may be ready for Facebook, but we are missing the point.  Facebook is not yet ready for our children.

A mother of a 5^th grader called me recently to say she finally gave in and let her son buy Call of Duty: Black Ops.   I hear this a lot from parents who feel overwhelmed by their 9-12 year old boys who are bored with their any video games that are not rated M and involve shooting and realistic fighting scenes.  The advertising, hype, cool images and features of the games make it hard to resist for young kids and teens.   The facts are, however, that M rated games such, as Call of Duty are very violent and made with adults in mind.

Many parents may not fully realize what M rated games involve and just how violent and graphic the games can be.  I sent this 5th grade mom a link to Common Sense Media http://www.commonsensemedia.org/ and she emailed back the next day that she had returned the game and told her son that given the nature of the game, she would not allow it in their house.   Reading the facts in print helped her better understand the implications of the game.

A brief description of Call of Duty from Common Sense Media: Parents need to know that Call of Duty: Black Ops is a very violent military-themed first person shooter in which players use a wide variety of weapons and explosives to kill hundreds of enemies in the campaign and countless more human controlled avatars online.  It features violent interrogations, graphic melee combat and lots of blood.  The visceral nature of the action combined with its complex Cold War narrative leave little doubt that it was designed for an adult audience.  It is not appropriate for children.

I think if more parents knew the facts behind M rated video games, they might be more inclined to keep their young children and teens from purchasing or renting them.   I would love to even the playing field a bit and give parents more clear, factual information to help them make smart decisions for their children.  Right now it is hard to fight the excitement and hype surrounding these games.  It is hard to know when to say No.

My son recently wanted to purchase a Pokémon battle game.  The game was rated 10+ E (Everyone).  He went to the Common Sense Media site and read it out loud laughing.  It said that the game contained cartoon violence and fart jokes.  We decided my son could handle that.

The New York Times recently wrote an article http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/22/garden/beyblades-a-japanese-phenomenon-invade-american-homes.html?emc=eta1 about the phenomenon of BeyBlades.  BeyBlades is a game where kids launch plastic and metal tops in stadiums.  The last top standing wins.  It is hugely popular among elementary school aged children.

My own son considers himself a BeyBlades aficionado.  He doesn’t leave our home in the morning without choosing the perfect BeyBlade to play at the bus stop.  He lines up his “Beys” and takes his time choosing the one with the most stamina and strength.  I, on the other hand, sound like a broken record saying, “hurry up” over and over, trying to get him to move faster and avoid missing the bus.    But my words don’t sway his devotion to picking the perfect Bey.  Once at the bus stop, the boys ages 6-11 all stand in a circle launching their BeyBlades and cheering for their own to win.  The girls stand off at a distance watching with a mixture of confusion and dismay.   The moms of the boys are happy their usually hyper children are focused on playing a group game rather than wrestling or playing tag.

Despite my frustrating mornings, I like his fascination with the game.  He has had more social opportunities with friends who gather together to exchange Beys and stage battles.  He and his best friend spend hours battling and creating cool villages for their collection of  BeyBlades.  Their excited shouts of “Let It Rip” can be heard down the block.  He also plays alone in his room with the sound of the spinning tops vibrating throughout our home.  Ever since his obsession with this game, he has stopped asking to play video games or be online.   There has been no begging for screen time or access to websites I wish he wouldn’t visit.

The joy of limited screen time, however, was short lived with the knowledge that BeyBlades.com offered a chance to play online, learn new tricks and communicate with other players.  I told him he could only be on the site for 15 minutes a day.  He complained, but the threat of taking away the physical toys quickly stopped his arguments.    I know that the online world has become part of almost every facet of our lives.  I know that my son will be using electronic communication for much of his play and socializing, as he gets older.  But, for now, I will deal with the frustrating mornings and be thrilled that my son is having so much fun with a real life toy.

It seems harder to say NO to kids today.   I see it in parent presentations when parents ask me for advice on what to do when their children won’t listen to their rules for technology.   I see it in the schools I work where parents argue on behalf of their children and frequently try to overrule school policies their kids feel are unfair.  One boarding parent, while I was Dean of Students, called to say she gave her 12-year-old daughter permission to use her cell phone and/or computer after bedtime, so the child could text or access the web at any time.   The parent pushed me to change the policy of turning off wireless access after 11pm and both child and  parents were irate when I did not bend the rule for the 7^th grade boarder.   I see it in my own son who acts as if his world is over when I say No to buying an iPod Touch.  He tearfully insists that he will never be cool or have friends.  His real emotion and fear tear at my gut.

As I travel the country giving talks and workshops on “Internet safety”, I actually think what I am offering is a traveling support group for parents who want to feel empowered to say No their kids.  Parents need reasons to say No.  Reasons that might not appease their children, but will help the parent feel justified in their refusal to give in to their pleading children.   Often in those meetings it is in the company of other frustrated parents that parents can begin to feel some comfort in their quest to keep their kids safe.   Parents often leave with phone numbers of other parents to call for support or ideas on how to create boundaries from other struggling parents.

That is my favorite part of those presentations.  The time when parents seek help from others and reach out to find ways to be a good parent.  It is a lonely job, being a strong and consistent parent.  It is hard to be firm, loving and consistent.  In fact, I think it is harder than any other thing I have ever done in my life.  I work at it everyday and I must admit, too often I give in to the tears and panic in my son’s voice.  But, I hope that I error on saying no when his safety is at stake or when he is better off with a strong No.   I hope that I can take myself out of the emotions of the moment to make a decision based on clear thinking and safety.  I hope.  Ultimately, that may be the best we can do.

I showed a group of 4^th graders an old black dial/rotary phone.  I asked the group to tell me what that phone could not do.  Hands shot up and they excitedly answered: speed dial, move around, surf the Internet, text, play games, use it as an alarm clock, watch movies, hear voice mail messages, re-dial, play games and get caller ID.  One boy shook his head in disbelief.  “Must have been horrible to live back then”. I wanted to tell that disbelieving 9-year-old boy that it would have been fun to have had all this technology, but it wasn’t horrible to live without it.

I had a pink princess rotary phone as a kid. I loved that phone.   I thought it was really cool.  I talked for hours with my best friend Katie on that phone.  We gossiped, told jokes and confessed our secret crushes in whispered hushes.  We hid under the blankets late at night hoping our parents didn’t catch us talking past 9pm.  I try to picture myself as a teen now with texting and 24/7 access to friends.  I would have been one of those kids texting thousands of times per month and panicking when my friends didn’t answer right away.  I would have loved Facebook and probably would have had hundreds of friends on my account.  I would never have done my homework.  Instead, I can imagine I would sit at my desk toggling back and forth between Facebook and my homework. Inevitably, Facebook would win.

My princess phone allowed me contact with my best friend with a feeling of relative safety.  I knew she could always tell others my secrets, but there was no Facebook to post my confessions on and no forward-all button to share my secret IM messages.  Today’s kids do have amazing technology at their fingertips, but they also have the stress of constant connection, the fear that it took too long for their best friend to text back, or the worry that their words said in “private” or pictures taken during stupid moments could end up on a Facebook wall.

On the other hand, I had parents who would have known that I wouldn’t handle the technology well.   They would have put hard and fast rules in place for me and I would have hated those rules.  But they would have been right.  I would have needed those rules to keep me balanced and safe.  Thank Goodness there is still one constant in our ever changing lives.  Good parenting.

When speaking to parents I like to tell them that Internet Safety is not about technology, it is, in fact, all about parenting.  The other night while saying this to a crowded room, a woman jumped to her feet and asked: “Then why is the technology kicking my ass?”

Ok, she got me.  Great question.  While I still stand by the idea that we must do all we can to parent our children with values, consistency and love, the amazing growth of tech gadgets, games, websites and smart phones is in fact causing us all of us a great deal of stress.   Just when we felt somewhat comfortable with our home computers, wireless devices such as smart phones took over and created new avenues for our children to access the Internet, text and play games often without our knowledge.

No longer is a game site for kids on the web, just a site to play games.  It is now, most likely, a social network with the ability to chat in real time with anyone online.  No longer is the Xbox or Wii just a gaming console in our home with games we can purchase for our kids.  Now it is a link to players all over the world with Internet connections inside the console and headsets that enable chat and play at the same time.

But in some ways, it is more important then ever to hold on to what some parents are calling “old fashioned” parenting.  Well used parenting tricks such as taking devices at night, signing contracts for good behavior, insisting on time limits for all electronic time, or turning off devices during dinner can make a difference in the lives of our children.  With 24/7 intrusion of gaming, communication, surfing, or texting, it is important to provide down time in our homes.  It is important to parent our kids according to the values we have been using their entire lives.  We have been saying No to R rated movies, coed sleepovers, alcohol use, staying out too late, eating in between meals or being disrespectful for years.

While the technology is ever evolving and life changing, it is still a tool and our job as parents is to decide when our children are ready for the tools and when they should use those tools.  We decide when they borrow the car, we decide when they can go on their first date, and we should decide when they use their smart phone or iPod Touch or play Call of Duty on the Xbox.  Technology is incredible, but it is a tool. We are the parents.

I met recently with groups of 9^th and 12^th grade boys about technology use.  The boys were polite, respectful and for the most part engaged in the discussion.  When asked what they were doing online, both groups of boys listed Facebook, gaming through Xbox or Playstation (Most seem to have outgrown the Wii), and texting.  A few admitted to using Twitter.  Despite the 4-year gap in age and development, the boys for the most part were using the exact same technology.

But other than shared technology, the differences in the two groups were striking.  The 9^th graders, while polite, grew restless during the hour long talk and at times could be seen rolling their eyes or whispering to their friends.  They seemed to have all the answers.  When the discussion was opened up to questions, the 9^th graders made statements instead.

“Why does it matter if nothing is private online?  I don’t care if someone sees my Facebook page”.  (A statement/question by one boy that led to applause from his classmates)

“So, I spend all my time texting and on Facebook?  Big Deal.”

The 12^th graders on the other hand asked questions and seemed eager for real advice.

“What should I do to make myself safer on Facebook?

“What if anything can I do about posts that I made 3 years ago that I don’t want colleges seeing today?”

“How can I help my younger sister manage her safety when all she wants to do is “friend” anyone?

In the end the discussions were never about technology.   The discussions were about relationships, privacy, decision-making and communication.  The 12^th graders were able to understand that and to look at how their behavior impacted their experience with technology.  The 9^th graders just wanted to talk about gaming, and how they had all the answers.  It was all about them.  Of course if was.  They are 13 and 14.

At the end of both discussions, I mentioned that I regularly recommend to parents that they consider delaying use of Facebook by their children until age 15 or 16.  The 9^th graders rolled their eyes and smirked.  The seniors agreed.

A good friend called me recently to brainstorm how to handle a Facebook problem.   My friend is Facebook “friends” with her 15-year-old nephew and came across a posting that worried her.  Her nephew had written about having a crush on a teacher and used graphic language to describe the teacher.  Some of his friends had responded back with even worse language and increasingly disturbing comments.  My friend knew she had to tell her sister about her nephew’s behavior, but was sad that this might hurt her relationship with him.   She explained to her nephew why she was not going to friend him anymore on Facebook and suggested her sister have her son’s password and check his site regularly.

With over 800 million users on Facebook, I imagine there are plenty of adults who have friended teen users to help keep tabs on them.  “Friending’ young Facebook users is in fact recommended by many experts in the field of Internet Safety.  This exact dilemma, however, makes “friending” kids and teens challenging.  Faced with, at times, ethically concerning behavior, vulgar language, provocative pictures or instances of mean or harassing posts, adults are left wondering how to respond.  Having access as a “friend” to a teen’s facebook account can raise many questions about the role of the adult as a “friend” online.

Seeing content that is inappropriate, provocative or disturbing can put the adult friend in the position to either express concern to the teen user or ignore the postings.  Ignoring postings might be viewed by teens as the adult sanctioning the behavior online.  As a “friend” online, the adult is at the mercy of the account holder who can hide content; deny access to certain parts of the site or “defriend” the adult at anytime without the adult knowing.    For adults concerned with monitoring a young Facebook user’s account, the best option is to have the password for the account and to check the account regularly.

As a teacher, counselor and dorm parent to thousands of teens, I have often been asked to “friend” many of my old students.    I originally only allowed students who had graduated from high school.  Then while surfing Facebook one day, I came across a picture of an ex student in college with a beer in her hand and the caption “Getting drunk and having sex …college rocks.”  Yep.  Looks like I have to rethink my age limits again.

While speaking to a group of parents recently about social networks, a parent at the end of the presentation stood up to ask a question.

“Why” she asked, “aren’t more parents outraged at the issues facing our children online?” The room erupted in applause.

She asked a great question.  Why aren’t more parents outraged?  Aren’t we the parents who volunteered in our schools and advocated fiercely for our children’s learning issues?  Aren’t we the parents who brought attention to Autism and fought to get better services for our children?  Aren’t we the parents who questioned the safety of vaccinations, carefully screened caregivers and insisted on proper medical care? Aren’t we the parents who lined up to buy the latest books on raising healthy children or fought to get our children into the best schools?

Why, then does it seem as if we have given up and allowed companies and technology to dictate our children’s’ experience online?  Everyday children are facing 24/7 access to temptation.  They are facing scams and tricks littering kids’ gaming sites and the consequences of posting inappropriate material on Facebook.  Our children are facing meanness, bullying and ostracism.  Our children are facing a world online where there are very few laws and regulations and the ones that do exist are not currently enforceable.  Our children are facing moral situations they are not ready to handle and social drama that contributes to relationship troubles at school.  They are facing pornography just two clicks away from many popular kids’ websites.

Many adults, even experts in online safety, will argue that the technology is here to stay and that the majority of kids are using YouTube and Facebook and texting anyway.  They will argue that kids bully each other in person.  They will argue that wide spread access is good for kids. And to some degree they are right.  But the chance of supervision or oversight by caring, thoughtful adults online is very small.   Our young children are facing social, moral and behavioral issues that they are not yet equipped to handle,  And they are doing this in a world with almost no rules, guidelines or safety nets.

Why aren’t more parents outraged?  Great Question.