Children Online

I met recently with groups of 9^th and 12^th grade boys about technology use.  The boys were polite, respectful and for the most part engaged in the discussion.  When asked what they were doing online, both groups of boys listed Facebook, gaming through Xbox or Playstation (Most seem to have outgrown the Wii), and texting.  A few admitted to using Twitter.  Despite the 4-year gap in age and development, the boys for the most part were using the exact same technology.

But other than shared technology, the differences in the two groups were striking.  The 9^th graders, while polite, grew restless during the hour long talk and at times could be seen rolling their eyes or whispering to their friends.  They seemed to have all the answers.  When the discussion was opened up to questions, the 9^th graders made statements instead.

“Why does it matter if nothing is private online?  I don’t care if someone sees my Facebook page”.  (A statement/question by one boy that led to applause from his classmates)

“So, I spend all my time texting and on Facebook?  Big Deal.”

The 12^th graders on the other hand asked questions and seemed eager for real advice.

“What should I do to make myself safer on Facebook?

“What if anything can I do about posts that I made 3 years ago that I don’t want colleges seeing today?”

“How can I help my younger sister manage her safety when all she wants to do is “friend” anyone?

In the end the discussions were never about technology.   The discussions were about relationships, privacy, decision-making and communication.  The 12^th graders were able to understand that and to look at how their behavior impacted their experience with technology.  The 9^th graders just wanted to talk about gaming, and how they had all the answers.  It was all about them.  Of course if was.  They are 13 and 14.

At the end of both discussions, I mentioned that I regularly recommend to parents that they consider delaying use of Facebook by their children until age 15 or 16.  The 9^th graders rolled their eyes and smirked.  The seniors agreed.

A good friend called me recently to brainstorm how to handle a Facebook problem.   My friend is Facebook “friends” with her 15-year-old nephew and came across a posting that worried her.  Her nephew had written about having a crush on a teacher and used graphic language to describe the teacher.  Some of his friends had responded back with even worse language and increasingly disturbing comments.  My friend knew she had to tell her sister about her nephew’s behavior, but was sad that this might hurt her relationship with him.   She explained to her nephew why she was not going to friend him anymore on Facebook and suggested her sister have her son’s password and check his site regularly.

With over 800 million users on Facebook, I imagine there are plenty of adults who have friended teen users to help keep tabs on them.  “Friending’ young Facebook users is in fact recommended by many experts in the field of Internet Safety.  This exact dilemma, however, makes “friending” kids and teens challenging.  Faced with, at times, ethically concerning behavior, vulgar language, provocative pictures or instances of mean or harassing posts, adults are left wondering how to respond.  Having access as a “friend” to a teen’s facebook account can raise many questions about the role of the adult as a “friend” online.

Seeing content that is inappropriate, provocative or disturbing can put the adult friend in the position to either express concern to the teen user or ignore the postings.  Ignoring postings might be viewed by teens as the adult sanctioning the behavior online.  As a “friend” online, the adult is at the mercy of the account holder who can hide content; deny access to certain parts of the site or “defriend” the adult at anytime without the adult knowing.    For adults concerned with monitoring a young Facebook user’s account, the best option is to have the password for the account and to check the account regularly.

As a teacher, counselor and dorm parent to thousands of teens, I have often been asked to “friend” many of my old students.    I originally only allowed students who had graduated from high school.  Then while surfing Facebook one day, I came across a picture of an ex student in college with a beer in her hand and the caption “Getting drunk and having sex …college rocks.”  Yep.  Looks like I have to rethink my age limits again.

While speaking to a group of parents recently about social networks, a parent at the end of the presentation stood up to ask a question.

“Why” she asked, “aren’t more parents outraged at the issues facing our children online?” The room erupted in applause.

She asked a great question.  Why aren’t more parents outraged?  Aren’t we the parents who volunteered in our schools and advocated fiercely for our children’s learning issues?  Aren’t we the parents who brought attention to Autism and fought to get better services for our children?  Aren’t we the parents who questioned the safety of vaccinations, carefully screened caregivers and insisted on proper medical care? Aren’t we the parents who lined up to buy the latest books on raising healthy children or fought to get our children into the best schools?

Why, then does it seem as if we have given up and allowed companies and technology to dictate our children’s’ experience online?  Everyday children are facing 24/7 access to temptation.  They are facing scams and tricks littering kids’ gaming sites and the consequences of posting inappropriate material on Facebook.  Our children are facing meanness, bullying and ostracism.  Our children are facing a world online where there are very few laws and regulations and the ones that do exist are not currently enforceable.  Our children are facing moral situations they are not ready to handle and social drama that contributes to relationship troubles at school.  They are facing pornography just two clicks away from many popular kids’ websites.

Many adults, even experts in online safety, will argue that the technology is here to stay and that the majority of kids are using YouTube and Facebook and texting anyway.  They will argue that kids bully each other in person.  They will argue that wide spread access is good for kids. And to some degree they are right.  But the chance of supervision or oversight by caring, thoughtful adults online is very small.   Our young children are facing social, moral and behavioral issues that they are not yet equipped to handle,  And they are doing this in a world with almost no rules, guidelines or safety nets.

Why aren’t more parents outraged?  Great Question.

A father of a 13-year-old boy contacted me recently frantic for advice.  His son, while on a sleepover at a friend’s house, had sent a sexually inappropriate text to another friend as a joke.  The girl who received the text promptly copied the text onto her Facebook wall for all of her 326 friends to see.   She asked her friends to comment.  Her Facebook wall was soon filled with mean and abusive comments directed toward the boy.

The father’s initial question was simple to answer:  “Can I delete the post without the girl’s permission. “  The simple answer is No.  Only Facebook or the owner (or a hacker with the password) can in fact make changes to a Facebook account.  But, in reality, the father’s problem was very complex and did not have a simple solution.

Once any type of electronic communication whether text, email, Facebook chat, or instant message is sent, it no longer belongs to the sender.  The person who received the communication can now forward the message, send it others, transfer the message somewhere else, cut and paste the message or delete the message.  There are no second chances for the sender.  The boy in this case, made a terrible (but not developmentally unusual) judgment call to send a sexually inappropriate text to a girl.  I imagine we all knew 13-year-old-boys in our past who were focused on sex and pulled pranks that were inappropriate.  In this case his mistake is posted on a Facebook wall.

Both the boy and the girl made very poor decisions.  The boy should not have sent the text and the girl should not have posted that text to her wall and asked her “friends” to comment.  But they are 13 and impulsive and insecure and don’t really think about consequences or other’s feelings when reacting online or through texting.    The dad in this case has a lot of healing and work to do with his humiliated and scared son.  He has taken away his son’s ability to text and permission to use Facebook.   The two kids have learned a very hard lesson.

There is currently a push in congress to move the age of consent for online accounts down to age 12 from age 13.  That, in my opinion, is another example of a very bad decision and adults made this one.  They should know better.

The Holidays are here again and with it the never-ending commercials and Christmas sales.   Along with the spirit of the season, the feeling of spending money is in the air.    And with the continual march of new electronic gadgets, spending money can take on a whole new meaning.  Headlining my own son’s Christmas list is an iPad or iTouch, a new Wii game and a monthly membership to Club Penguin.  Total cost close to $500.    Compared to the iPad or iTouch, a new Wii game is a bargain at $69.99.   But, he won’t be getting any of them.  Instead he will be getting the Lego games, books and Beyblade toys that are lower on his list.  Of Course, those toys are not electronic and do not require a computer or gaming device.  They just require time and friends.

I asked a group of 5^th graders recently for the top item on their Holiday list.  By far the number one item was the video game “Call of Duty, Black Ops”.  Rated M.    The violent war game is available on most gaming devices.  When I asked the kids what an “M” rating meant, the kids quessed, age 13.   Good Guess, I responded.  But it is recommended for teens 17 and older.  A boy in the back of the room shouted out quickly, “don’t tell our parents”

Like me, parents will be wrestling this season with what to buy for their children.   We will be guided by advertisements, financial restraints and our kid’s relentless pleas.  This year I will also be guided by wanting my 9 year old to stay young for as long as possible.  Which means for him, no fun or cool games.  Undoubtedly he will be a bit disappointed not to be opening up a new game or gaming device.  But in the excitement of our extended family, warmth, beauty, giving to others and celebration, I hope the disappointment takes a back seat.

“Tis the Season.

On a rare evening out with a friend at a local restaurant, we were led to a table next to a family with three kids.    We looked at each and laughed.  Our quiet night out without our own children seemed to be slipping away as we imagined the restlessness and energy of the three young children sitting next to us.   We were wrong.  As soon as the family had ordered their meals, the table was dead silent.  All three kids had their heads down in gaming devices or phones, their fingers moving at warp speeds. The parents did talk occasionally, but they mostly spent the wait for food checking their own phones.

I completely understand the urge to pacify squirming, restless children in public places.  I remember endless plane rides with an energetic baby boy who would not stop moving or fussing. Armed with only cheerios, a few toys and books, I usually lost the battle to keep him quiet.  I would have loved an electronic gadget to distract him.   I felt sad for this family, however.  An opportunity for family time seemed lost in individual pursuits on electronics.   I remember dinners out in childhood with my own family.  In a time before hand held gadgets existed, my three siblings and I squirmed, told jokes, teased each other, laughed, fussed and tried to sit still waiting anxiously for food.  I imagine at times we drove the other customers near us a bit crazy, but we loved those nights out.

When the first headphones were seen in public as people jogged and listened to their radios or portable CD players in the 80’s, my father pronounced he was philosophically opposed to the headphones and the isolation it caused.  We laughed at him, thinking he was being ridiculous.  He just said, “You’ll see”.   Of course he had no idea that thirty years later we would have smart phones, gaming devices and IPods.  But as I watched this family sit in isolation my dad’s once ridiculous comment seemed prophetic.

I knew it was true. I had talked to older kids who swore they knew 4th graders with Facebook accounts and our own research backed this up. Somehow, however, I never really believed it. Until this weekend.

While on my own Facebook page, my 4th grader leaned in next me and casually said, “See if you can find Ted, Mom”. Ted, it turns out is in Domingo’s class at school and has asked Domingo to friend him on Facebook. Trying not to act stunned or worse yet, like an Internet safety educator, we both found Teds account (open to anyone) with lots of pictures and an occasional statement, mostly about Aaron Rodgers or farting. Domingo laughed at the pictures and comments and looked at me with his arms crossed and a sneer planted on his face… “See, Mom it isn’t that bad.”

But it is that bad. Domingo and Ted are too young to understand the implications of Ted’s Facebook page wide open for anyone to see with pictures, details of his life, inappropriate comments (albeit PG 13) and a video of his Pokémon toy collection. Ted’s replies to the mean comments about his video brought to mind the urgent pleadings of an insecure, socially awkward boy struggling for approval. I was sad for him. After calling Ted’s mother, much to Domingo’s complete humiliation, I tried to explain why I worried about young kids on Facebook. She thanked me politely and hung up with the final words “his account was private and none of your business.” I suppose it might be true that it was none of my business (although Ted had asked Domingo to join him on Facebook), but it certainly wasn’t private.

And that might be the biggest problem facing parents nationwide. We didn’t grow up with a Facebook page. We didn’t grow up worrying about privacy loss online. Most parents have not had online safety education or been to parent forums on the topic. There are no support groups for parents who need help to say No. Parents don’t always know the reasons to say No to Facebook or Smart Phones or other technology gadgets that may expose our young kids to risk. I hope that changes soon.

Meanwhile, I now know that 4th graders are on Facebook. As a mom, that makes me really sad. I hugged Domingo and suggested we play Wii Sports. He jumped up excited. Thank goodness for the easy distractibility of 4th graders.

My son is going to camp again this summer.  He can’t wait.   Four weeks of friends, swimming, playing, singing, adventure, climbing trees, learning new skills and taking risks.  It is also four weeks of following a tight schedule, sit down meals with his cabin mates three times a day, siesta or rest time every day and of course no electronics.  My son who begs to play the Wii every day, wants to eat meals on the floor and would rather do just about anything than have rest time, loves doing just the opposite at camp.

As a parent, I wish I could recreate camp in my home.  I wish I could keep him so busy, so happy and so excited that he forgets about television and playing video games and happily snuggles in his bunk to rest after lunch.  But that is an impossible task.  Camp has built in friends, cool older role models and lots of fun activities.  I can’t compete with that.   The best I can do in my home is keep trying to hold the line on screen time, offer alternatives such as sports, board games, playing outside, and play dates.

I argue that it is harder to be a parent today.   It is a challenge to compete with amazing technology gadgets, interactive video games and constant stimulation online.  Parents are working long hours and worried about money and the future.  Just when parents need more time with their children to help negotiate the ever-changing technology world, most parents have considerably less free time.

And so I will try to keep recreating camp in my home.  I will offer fun activities.  I will insist on sit down meals and I will limit electronics.  I will even sing camp songs if that helps.  None of this will work, of course, but at least for four weeks this summer my son will happily leave the digital world behind for the woods.

Was homework this hard when we were kids?  I don’t remember having an hour of work in 4^th grade.  My son comes home everyday with math, spelling, geography and 20 minutes of reading.  While there is a battle over math, spelling, and geography, it always gets done.  I wish that I could say the same for reading time.   There is no battle, there is a simple: NO.  Reading is not fun for my son.  He considers it a chore to be avoided at all costs.

I was not prepared for this part of parenting.  Our home is filled with bookshelves overflowing with books.  I have books from all stages of my life and I have always used books like photo albums, to take me back in time to important life events and memories.  I love books and reading.   I don’t remember a time in my life when reading didn’t give me joy or provide an escape from stress.   And so today, I am completely over my head with a boy who would rather run, climb, build, tear apart or do just about anything than read.

It wasn’t until I was watching him play the Wii that an idea formed.  He was reading out loud the words that appeared on the screen during his Pokémon game.  A stretch, I admit, but he was reading.   Maybe, I thought, he would also read Pokémon cards or books.  So we got out all of his Pokémon and Lego manuals, pamphlets and cards and for 20 minutes he read.  We started blocking out quiet time in our house for reading.  I sat on the couch reading a novel and he lay sprawled on the floor next to me reading his Lego brochures and pamphlets.

From the pamphlets he moved on to chapter books and graphic novels about Pokémon.  He discovered the “Bone” series in the Graphic Novel section of the library and he was suddenly hooked into a book.  While I secretly wish he would show interest in Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or some of the books that I loved as a child, I have given in and am thrilled that for 20 minutes everyday he is reading something.   Now when he begs for a new Pokémon or Lego game, I don’t roll my eyes.  I smile and ask, “how about a Lego book instead”?

One of the most important lessons my parents gave me growing up was having clear rules and consequences for my behavior.  There was never any question about our family rules and values.  Even when I didn’t agree, and it was often at age 15 and 16, I was never in doubt about how they would react to my choices.

I knew, for example, that my parents would not write a note saying I was sick when in fact, I participated in “Senior Ditch Day”.    I ditched anyway and sat in the dean’s office without a note.  Most of my friends had notes.  I knew that when I used the family car to go to a party, instead of the library, I would be breaking a major rule.  I was grounded for a month.  Clearly, their firm and non-negotiable rules didn’t always stop me from making bad choices.  But their rules provided me with a strong and unwavering moral compass that guides me today.

Many parents today admit they allow Facebook accounts for their 11 or 12 year olds because they worry their child will create one anyway behind their backs.  Parents allow smart phones for 3^rd graders because they know their children will have one eventually and they are tired of fighting the “inevitable”.   Parents also allow access to Mature rated video games at age 12 because it is impossible to stop their kids from playing the games next door or at their best friend’s house.

I completely understand.  It is hard to resist the urge to want to control our kid’s lives as much as possible.  It is so hard as a parent to say no to something and then know they might do it anyway.    But ultimately, all children will at times make bad choices and go outside of our rules.  Our children may not confide in us because they fear our consequences and clear rules.   But those clear messages, values and consequences may also provide a structure and anchor for our kids in a world that is missing those messages.  The online world today has little to no clear messages for our children and any rules in place online are easily dismissed.  One of the only clear rules, children may not consent to online accounts before age 13 (The COPPA law) has no real means of enforcement and so we have millions of underage children on social networking sites lying about their age.

Our homes and families must be consistent and our values clear.  I was furious at my parents at times for their unwavering commitment to my safety.  Today, I know that their values, clear messages and their commitment might have been the greatest gift they gave me.